Why did I become a Christian?

I became a Christian because I reached a point when I no longer wanted to live in the world around me, yet I was afraid to die. Or at least that was part of my thoughts that led me toward God. But, as I began to search for something better I realized the world around me was not my problem. Something deeper was eating at my soul. The more I thought about my life I began to see how utterly self-centred I was. Everything, even my desire to be better, was all about me. I couldn’t stop being selfish, wanting my way, wanting to feel good even if it hurt others. I began to hate more and more about myself until I could no longer live in my own skin. It was either find an answer or die. I was not going to continue on like that. I thought I had given everything and everyone but God a chance in my life. So, I began to search for him. I would read here and there, try to pray, but mostly just argue with myself day after day, blindly groping through my confused and conflicting thoughts.

One Friday evening, alone in my grandparents flat, I knelt down by the dinning room window and began to ask God to show me himself. I thought that if I could see God, I mean see him in the night sky, see his face, that this would somehow help me. I don’t know or remember exactly why I thought that, but I had a deep longing to see God, to talk things over with him.

Very shortly, in just a minute or two of prayer, I began to see something….but it wasn’t God. I began to see myself as utterly hopeless, as being so selfish I couldn’t see past myself, let alone see God. Then a small thought formed in my mind. I heard God telling me that this was the real problem, that I, my self, was the real problem. I knew it was him. I knew he was talking to me. I responded by saying, “if I am so corrupt then what can I do”? The answer came back quickly, immediately. “There is nothing you can do, but there is something I can do”. And just as suddenly I realized how true that was and that everything would be fine if I would accept this word, if I could accept my total helplessness in his hands. believing he would take care of me just as he said.

Quietly, I stood up and went to bed. I had a sense of peace I had never known before and I soon fell asleep. When I woke up I knew I was somehow different. Something about me had changed.

It took some time before I understood exactly what had happened. I began to study, reading the Bible morning and evening, sometimes into the night, all day on the weekend. I began attending church and studying with others. I had many questions, many misconceptions. Right away I was sharing with others what God had done for me. I even went to my neighbors, those I had never met, and told them what had happened. Some themselves became Christians. Others made fun of me. I lost all of my friend but soon made new ones. 

After that evening in prayer by the window, yielding my life to God, I stopped smoking, both cigerattes and dope; I quit drinking and the other drugs as well. The desire, the habit was gone. I stopped swearing. I left my immoral sexual life behind. My diet changed. I became a vegetarian. My whole life was centred in worshipping and serving God. I was only 19 years old.

There is much more to the story. Years later, in mid-life, after a divorce and depression, I fell away, far away and back into my old habits. I left my faith in God, not my belief in him, but my trust. After five years of hell, returning to addiction and immorality, running a second marriage, I once again had a meeting with God that gave me a new life. It was more dramatic than the first because I knew so much more about him and recognised clearly what was happening. I was being born again. i was dying and living again in a single moment of time. The afternoon light became brighter, the colour of the grass, the trees, and the sky grew more vivid. It was like a veil had been lifted from my face.

That was in 1995. I now pastor two churches in Wales and live one day at a time by the same grace that gave me this life.

God is still working in my life. He is near me today. He has been working hard this week to draw me closer (I’ve strayed a bit). I don’t always “feel” God is with me, but I know he is because of his promise and because over these years he and I have had a lot to talk about. I am familiar with his voice and when I set aside quite time, when all the other noise and activity in my life is put on hold, he still talks to me, teaching, guiding, correcting, convicting, and comforting me.

I am resting in his love this evening and praying for him to keep me through to another day. That’s all I have, all he has promised, all I need, one day at a time.

Comments

[G D Williams]

Pastor,
Keep that daily walk with Him.
Feelings come and go, but the reality of the Holy Spirit is that the Spirit is always there in our lows, middles and highs.
Sometimes, the shadows cloud our view of the true reality.
Life is definitely uncertain, but our ultimate destination is not.
Take care, old friend!!!

[Jan McKenzie]

So good to hear from you, Gareth. I agree with your comments and appreciate the word of faith. Hope all is well with you and the family. God bless.